Category Archives: personal meanderings

Bean season

Walking home from the gym today, the slant of the light, the leaves beginning to drop, the warm Indian summer sun transported me right back to late afternoons in my teens, walking home after school, the grunts and thuds of football helmets smacking pads, tuning up for the homecoming game on Friday night. In the back parking lot, classmates would be working on the floats for the homecoming parade, wrestling chicken wire, papier mache, and straw on flatbeds with boasts like “Gone with Wind” (it was movie theme), or “One Life to Live” (soap opera theme). Beyond them, where the school’s parking lot ended, nothing but corn and soybeans.

The fields in late September had turned from green to golden and the farmers were already beginning to harvest by the time homecoming rolled around. I think it was about a week before homecoming in fact that Danny Boerjan lost his leg to a combine.

Although we lived in town, October was “bean season” for us. Many October nights the phone would ring at 1 or 2 in the morning, and the light in mom and dad’s bedroom would flick on. Moments later I’d hear the truck door slam as dad headed to the elevator to weigh and unload another truckbed of corn. Sometimes, if the call came early enough, I’d go along. There’s nothing quite so mesmerizing as cool corn kernels rushing over your hands as they pour out of the truck into the pit below.

For my dad, the seasons no longer dictated his life as they had during his childhood in the 1920s.  “Bean season” was the exception, and I think he dreaded it so because it reminded him of his early life on the farm. Then, with his dad and brothers farming 160 acres mostly by hand and horses, they worked from sun-up to sundown. Days during the harvests were even longer–and tinged with worry. It was the harvest after all that paid the $7.25 / acre of rent, which was due once a year in November. It was the time when they sold the 100 hogs, and slaughtered the geese for Thanksgiving sales. “What you didn’t eat, you sold for income,” he told me recently. The only respite was the month off from milking cows.

“October 15 was when we started harvesting the corn,” he told me as we sat outside on their back porch over the summer, “and we wouldn’t finish until right around Thanksgiving if we was lucky.” They’d harvest with draft horses, two rows of corn at a time.

“I never cared for horses at that time. I was hoping dad would get a tractor, which he did in 1939. With horses, flies would bother them and they’d switch and get tangled in the reins. It was always something with them.”

Their take was about 70 cents a bushel on corn, but during the depths of the Depression, it would plummet to 10 cents. “Mother would sell the old hens to VandeCamps for soup in those years, and dad would sell apples. We had a good-sized apple orchard and Dad usually took the apples in to Waterloo in the Model T. He’d park in a residential area and sell them for a $1 bushel during the Depression. If he sold six bushel, he figured he had a good day.  After times got better he didn’t need to do that anymore.”

It was also in October when they’d harvest their second crop of oats to mix with corn for feed over the winter. “We’d shock the oats: nine bundles together. The ninth was the cap—we’d bend the tops down and lay on top and it’d shed the rain. They’d go through a sweat—for a few days they were real damp and wet. Then the wind would dry them out. After that we’d thrash out the oats and use the straw for bedding.  In the bigger barn, we’d put the oats in the barn with the hay. Otherwise, we’d stack it outside.”

“Horses got oats in the morning and night all during the summer. During the winter, we’d feed them corn. They was too sensitive to eat corn in the summer—couldn’t stand the heat if they ate it. Chickens got oats, hogs got oats. But in the winter, we’d mix in some corn so they wouldn’t lose too much weight.”

While the men were in the fields in those October days and evenings, “mother was canning.  We didn’t buy much food at that time—sugar and salt mainly. Mother raised practically everything else. We had two raspberry patches, one red, one black, and a grape arbor. She had potatoes and always  a patch of cabbage. Carrots, radishes onions in the spring.”

With the harvest over, and the corn in the crib, the oats stacked for winter, and the pantry set up with Mason jars, they’d cook a goose for Thanksgiving and settle in for the winter. “That’s when we got to sleep in till 6am,” he said with a smile.

Listening to him talk, his memory still sharp after 93 years, I tried to fathom the level of work he put in as a boy, but it was beyond me–and in many ways he’d seen to that, deliberately. He started working with his brothers when he was about 8, and didn’t quit until he went off to the war in the early 1940s. Plowing fields with draft horses, milking cows, churning butter, baling hay, fixing fences– it was a constant cycle of toil. One look at his hands even today and you know how much work shaped his life.

As an adult, he never wanted to return to the farm, although his two brothers continued farming until they retired– both of them mere miles from where they grew up. “Just didn’t like farming,” he said in his usual unsentimental response. Instead, he went into the grain business and suffered through bean season only once a year.

As I walk home today from the gym in the last days of an Indian summer, I no longer hear the football team practicing or look out onto fields of soybeans or corn. Instead I walk home amid  the gardeners planting mums and asters in front of the high-rises, and buy my raspberries for $8 a pint at a fancy grocery store with a wine bar. In many respects, this is the American Dream, that we do better than our parents, and that our parents can live long enough to see us grow up, successful in our own right, following a path they helped shape. I can’t help but marvel at how life moves–from a 160-acre farmstead in central Iowa to a small-town homecoming and a cycle dictated by beans and corn, to my life today amid the hubbub of 3 million people doing their own form of toil.

Google Instant: What? We can’t come up with anything newer and more useless?

Maybe it’s the post-Labor Day funk or my head cold, but the recent news out of Palo Alto is just making me crabby. My poor hubbie dutifully suffered my rant as he was slurping coffee and mentally preparing for his day taming teenagers in the Chicago Public Schools. Bless him. I normally try to contain my spoutings since I know he doesn’t do well with conversation, instructions, to-do lists, or anything resembling human interaction (including driving) before his third cup of coffee.

But today was just too much. If it wasn’t more ultra-Right idiocy, then it was the faux seriousness toward new designers that fashion week begets (I adore fashion, but come on.) And then, I turned to the biz page to this headline:

Google Unveils Tool to Speed Up Searches

Apparently this new and improved search engine, Google Instant, now guesses what you are searching for after the first letter you type. You know, like the email address that immediately fills in the old yahoo address of your friend (and you wonder why you never hear back from her). So in this new and improved Google search, I type “P”and it asks, “Do you mean Pepsi”?

PE–Do you mean Pepsi?

PEP–Do you mean Pepsi? Do you mean Pepsi? Do you mean Pepsi? I know you mean Pepsi.

Really? This is what the country needs, a faster search that gets us to the advert a millisecond faster? This is what passes for the much-vaulted “innovation and tech” that our economy now relies so heavily on? This is innovation that will bring more jobs to the country?

Here we are, 10% unemployment (17% within the construction industry), a Congress with a case of the terrible two’s who just learned the word “no”, a country mired in personal debt,  and an economy that long ago lost the ability to make anything. And our answer: a faster search. What, we can’t come up with something newer and even more useless?

According to Google, it will save us more then 3.5 billion seconds every day. OR, here’s a thought, we could all just quit killing so much time searching for cat videos.

To me, it isn’t that Google is becoming kind of creepy in an artificial intelligence sort of way. No, it’s that we fawn over this kind of second-tier innovation, telling ourselves this is the wave of the future. I’ll be the first to agree that technology is key to the future. But not this kind of advance.

Maybe I’m feeling old and fuddy, or maybe it’s the pre-movie hoopla over the upcoming Facebook movie, “The Social Network,” but I’m not convinced that all this supposed brilliance of whiz kids like then-24-year-old Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Parker are actually “changing the world” as they profess. (“I’m re-architecting society,”  Parker told Vanity Fair).

I’m open to the possibility that Facebook changed the game for how we interact and socialize, and I’m willing to believe it when I see it that it will spawn millions of wanna-be’s, which in turn increases demand for computer programmers and excites a generation of software engineers. Maybe, but I’d argue instead that it has contributed to get-rich quick mentality. This sort of adulation that holds up a millisecond-faster search result (so we can get to that cat video just that much faster) as the keys to the future is akin to the little boy who hinges all his hopes on the NBA and skips math class. Why do the hard work and learn some math and chemistry when I can make a gazillion dollars from a piece of software that lets me be mayor of a coffee house if I visit it enough times and announce my visits to all ten of my friends following me?

It holds up as the winners a boy still in short pants who says this of his success: “I guess in a roundabout way I’ve gotten what I wanted,” Parker told Vanity Fair, “which is the ability to do interesting things and the wealth to be free…I can sort of do what I want.”

“I can do what I want.” Well bully for you. But where’s the larger connection to the rest of us? Where is the drive to do something to better the lives of others? It’s all to indicative of where we are as a country. We’re no. 11, that’s where we are.

Thomas Friedman in Sunday’s Times said it much better than I:

We had a values breakdown — a national epidemic of get-rich-quickism and something-for-nothingism. Wall Street may have been dealing the dope, but our lawmakers encouraged it. And far too many of us were happy to buy the dot-com and subprime crack for quick prosperity highs.

Ask yourself: What made our Greatest Generation great? First, the problems they faced were huge, merciless and inescapable: the Depression, Nazism and Soviet Communism. Second, the Greatest Generation’s leaders were never afraid to ask Americans to sacrifice. Third, that generation was ready to sacrifice, and pull together, for the good of the country. And fourth, because they were ready to do hard things, they earned global leadership the only way you can, by saying: “Follow me.”

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that innovation is where we shine. But not this kind of faster search/facebook drivel. Batteries, “green” sheet-rock, electric cars, high-speed rail–these are the kinds of things we need to applaud and support. And demand. A faster search engine, a more useless social networking site (Chatroulette anyone?), another billionaire  just doesn’t cut it.

We need to put the big majority of the middle class back to work, and it’s not going to happen by putting all our chips on the Sean Parkers of this world. Sure, they matter, but they shouldn’t alone be the vision for the future. We have to quit thinking that the endgame is always the NBA and that “geniuses” will get us there. There’s something to be said for the steady, boring middle. As a recent Brookings report notes, “Established nations like Germany and rising nations like China, India and Brazil are growing their economies by making purposefully transformative investments in modern ports, freight rail, and other infrastructure. Many are questioning whether U.S. infrastructure is up to the task.”

Infrastructure is less sexy than a new Google unveiling, but it employs a heckuvva lot more people. We need to stop fawning over Google and Ipads and other useless gadgets and put that intelligence to work on something bigger.

Like I said, a wee-bit crabby today.

Lakeside cabins

I’ve spent the last few days in northwestern Michigan amid the rolling dunes, pine trees, and slapping lake waves. Whether driving through winding blacktops shaded by the deep-green of trees just about to turn, or walking for miles along a sandy shore, the wind and waves rendering talk useless, it was the relaxation I needed at the tail end of this surprisingly busy summer.

Even better, my cell phone barely worked, there was a quality coffee house on nearly every corner, and the slow food movement in Traverse City is alive and well. Mario Batali lives nearby during the summer, and chefs have flocked to the area’s  abundant apple orchards, blueberry patches, peach trees, heirloom tomatoes, sorrel mushrooms, and fresh cheese. In a word, yum. And did I mention the wine?

While the East Coasters flock to the shore for the summer, midwesterners seek out a similar experience along Lake Michigan or the many lakes that dot the North Woods of Minnesota and Wisconsin. I think every person in their 40s and 50s who grew up in this area yearns to recapture for their own kids  the charm of lake vacations. Driving through these small towns with their summer vibe, soft-serve ice cream stands, and lakeside cottages, I can  begin to understand the allure.

I myself didn’t have that experience. My folks didn’t own a cabin in Leech Lake or Potato Lake in Minnesota as several of my friends’ did. But I did tag along with  Kim and her family once.

Kim’s dad, Stan, was a long-haul trucker by trade and his wife, Lil, was a librarian in the local middle school. Every summer, Stan would  pack up the camper with a grill, some charcoal, and fishing rods, while Lil, a diminutive brunette with a fondness for paisley pedal pushers,  packed the purple, orange, and red metal drinking glasses, the plastic-weave lawn chairs, and a massive Coleman cooler stuffed with steaks and hamburger.

On the day we were to leave, my dad drove me to Toeterville (pop. 50– I kid you not) at some exotic hour after dark. Stan was used to the long-haul drives, and preferred to drive at night to Make Good Time (the holy grail of fathers in the 1970s). He and my dad chatted for a few minutes while Lil double-checked the contents of the camper, and then we were off.

The camper was a 1970s truck camper decked out with fold-down tables and tuck-away drawers for a “home on the road” experience–very modern. Kim and I claimed the “loft”  and played gin rummy until the excitement wore off and we fell asleep to the rocking of the road.  Cathy, Kim’s older sister, way too cool to hang with us, did her nails on the pull-down kitchen table.

By mid-morning, we pulled into the camp grounds and found our cabin– one of those musty two-room numbers with the dented tin cooking pans, a two-burner stove, and thin curtain between Stan and Lil’s bedroom and our foldouts in the living room. (Cathy got the camper, but not without a fight.) In the middle of the room stood a well-worn table, where the adults played cards and drank cocktails after dinner.We kids, our bellies full of hamburgers and pickles, chased fireflies and sat on the dock swatting mosquitos.

During the day, Kim and I lolled in the rowboat reading books and making up stories about our lives. One afternoon, as is bound to happen, we got in a fight and she abandoned me in favor of Cathy for what seemed like eternity but was probably just a day. I moped around feeling left out, wishing I could go home to my swimming pool and baseball league.

But as most kids do, we made up and continued on our adventures. We had no tv, no video, no Ipods, no phones, nothing but a row boat, an inner tube, and our imaginations. We bought no souvenirs, no t-shirts. We ate no McDonalds or Applebees. We wore the same clothes every day, had no antibacterial soap, no sunscreen, and there was rarely an adult in sight. Instead, we made up card games, killed time, and, thrill of all thrills, took part in a shivari for a newlywed couple two cabins down one night way after the fires had burned low. Before long, it was time to pack up the camper and head home again.

The lake vacations I take now are very different affairs from those childhood retreats. There’s localvore food, espresso and a newspaper in the morning, and wineries in the afternoon. (Not to mention a hand sanitizer in the outhouse at the national park.) But driving past the homes and cabins that hug the lakefront in the Leelanau Penisula, I just knew there were two 12-year-olds texting each other on inner tubes somewhere.

How to be Alone–I love this poem/video

“How to Be Alone” a poem by Tanya Davis and video by Andrea Dorfman is, in a word, lovely.  If I’d seen this when I was a mopey 19-year-old in cold Minneapolis, I might not have fundamentally altered my course, but I surely wouldn’t have felt so alone on it.  Those first years out, at age 18 and 19, were tough ones.

I’d been more than ready to leave home–presumed, at the time, to be so ultimately stifling and dull–that I hadn’t given much thought to the prospect of loneliness on the other side of that door. In hindsight, I should have thought more carefully about Minneapolis. It’s not a city that welcomes its new arrivals with outdoor festivals and mood-enhancing sunshine. It’s 35 below zero without the wind chill for seemingly months on end.

It was indoors, with an undiagnosed manic-depressive in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with bunk beds,  that I found myself one year after leaving home. I had messed up an application for dorm living so I was on my own, off campus. The roommate had been found through a friend of a friend, and at first it all seemed great. She was bubbly and fun— until she wasn’t. A dark cloud would appear and she’d retreat to the bedroom or to her childhood home down the block for days on end. She’d emerge to berate me about the toothpaste or tell me to buy my own ketchup (no one had told me about the noncommunal ketchup rules.)

I wasn’t making many friends on that huge campus of 56,000 students at the UofM, so instead of hanging out with dorm-mates at coffee shops or at the student union, I’d walk the path along the Mississippi River, alone with no one but the squirrels. Luckily, I hadn’t hit upon Dostoevsky in my reading list yet or I’d have been in deep trouble.

Alone inside my head, rather bewildered by a roommate who seemed to hate me, and not sure what it was that I was supposed to be doing in this new role, I walked, and walked, and walked.  No brilliant ideas came to me on these walks. No solutions, no strategies took form. Instead, I just walked alone with my unformed thoughts.  Winter came, and I bundled up and walked some more. I took a job as a lifeguard in an empty rehab pool at St. Mary’s hospital. Perched atop a high chair, I’d read my book as the lone cardio patient swam slow, clumsy laps. On Sunday mornings, I’d wander the aisles of the new Target store, browsing the  bath towels and pots and pans, finding this packaged domesticity somehow comforting.

In the end, I survived. I connected with some other friends, one of whom just visited with her two grown daughters, and the years began to slip by. But that year of living lonely taught me a great many things, first and foremost that I can stand my own company. It probably allowed me to become a writer in the end–the ultimately “alone” job: just you and your head.

Today, I seek out cities so I can be surrounded by people yet be alone. I love nothing more than to sit in a coffee shop surrounded by others but not be required to engage. I love eating lunch by myself, or reading a book on a park bench in the afternoon sun. I love not talking.

Back when I was 19, when being alone was more lonely, and less “alone,” “How to be Alone” would have given me the inkling that I needn’t be lonely. But of course, if I’d had YouTube back then, I might never have gone out on those walks.

The Invisible Class…

Here’s a startling number: 70% of the U.S. workforce has less than a college degree. And about 70% of the young adult workforce  (age 25-34) lacks a BA. Yep, you read that right. Seven in ten my friends.

And yet… no one seems to be talking about the straits many of them are in. We hear instead about the young man with a degree from Colgate who is still living with his parents while he searches for the right “fit” in his job. Or we hear about high college debt that is supposedly hamstringing  so many young adults. I did a little digging and only about 30% of young adults aged 25-34 have education debt, and the average debt is only $20k. You’d never know it from the press.

What we hear less about is the stagnant wages of this large group (the vast majority in fact) who have less than a four-year degree. Those with only a high school degree are earning about 25 cents less an hour than in 1973. Those with some college (but not a four-year degree) are earning only 30 cents more. College degree holders are up by $5 an hour, and advanced degrees earn $6 more an hour than in 1973, all after adjusting for inflation.

What we hear even less about is the erosion of benefits for this group that goes hand in hand with the rise of a contingent, DIY workforce across all rungs of the work ladder. What we hear less about is the number of part-time jobs this group must cobble together to make ends meet.  It all adds up to a majority that is treading water to stay afloat, and another, very small group that is swimming along with the current.

Sure, it’s easy to say the solution is: get more education. But you need a four-year degree to see the differences begin to matter. Do we really think 70% of the workforce will magically get a degree? (Even if they try–and many do–the college dropout rate is still 40%.)

I’m sensitive to this split right now because with my friends Maria and Pat, I’m launching a new book on how the recession is affecting young adults. The idea is picking up interest with those in the publishing world, but yet–and this happened also with Not Quite Adults–this question keeps cropping up:

Who cares about the working class? Write about the elite kids–their parents buy the books.

Ouch. Who cares? I care, for one. And I suspect a lot of my friends and family here in the middle of the country care–since that’s a big ground zero for the major workforce retrenchment of the past few decades: Michigan, Ohio, farm country.  Yes, it’s in the big middle swathe of the country running from north to south, east to west, where the big shift from well-paid manufacturing to the low-paid service sector is felt the most. It is where families who once were practically guaranteed a secure future lived and raised families, but whose second and third generations now wonder if they can sustain the dream.

Since I keep hearing this question, I’ve become curious why so many in the elite institutions of our country–the newspapers, magazines, and book publishers  (mostly on the East Coast I have to say)–are so certain that no one cares about the working class.

Here’s my theories:

1) working class = poor. Far too often, when we hear the words “working class” we think of the poor. And the poor just don’t generate that much interest or sympathy from anyone, mainly because of our Calvinistic tendency to blame them for not picking themselves up by their bootstraps. We tend to think of the poor as deserving of their status, since they fail to follow the rules we all learned to play by: work hard, keep up your yards, you know the drill. So no one is going to sell any newspapers or books when the topic is poverty.

But the working class are not the poor. They are not even the working poor (which should be a de facto oxymoron in this country, but sadly is not). The working class I’m talking about are those of us who take a shower after work, not before. They are the group who earns about $40,000 a year at jobs like battling fires, arresting criminals, driving semis, milking cows, operating precision machines, driving forklifts, handling our baggage on airplanes, delivering  UPS packages, and teaching our kids.  This is the solid middle. Their wages put them at between 150-200% of the poverty level, or about $19 an hour for a family of four. Notably absent from that list are factory workers who assemble cars, television sets, batteries, and other “things,” because those jobs have largely vanished, and those that remain pay on average about $33,000 a year.

Yet this is the group often overlooked in conversations that, on the one hand, laud the financial quants who move money around the world, and on the other lament the laziness of the poor. It’s too bad, really, that this group gets overlooked, because their plight is the country’s plight. And they are struggling. With one more layoff, they risk slipping down into the ranks of the working poor, forced to bartend, become an orderly in a hospital, or sell cheap televisions at Best Buy–or probably all three at once.

2) flyover land, and what’s the matter with Kansas: Both the east and west coasts pride themselves on a cultured habitue. There’s really no reason to touch down in the middle of the country on those cross-coast hob-nobs. What’s there to see? Racists, shrill Tea Partiers, ignorant and scary hillbillies. Glenn Beck. (oh wait, he’s on the East Coast). Iceberg lettuce. Folger’s coffee. State schools. No, might as well skip all that and stick to our own.

The result of this distance (literally and figuratively), we in the vast middle of the country have been reduced to a novelty. Witness NPR a couple nights ago. They felt it necessary to trot out a young Harvard grad whose mother was a truck driver–the epitome of stereotypical working class (save for the female twist). The interviewer kept asking her, over and over, to tell the story of life on the road with her mother–who home-schooled her kids by making them estimate mileage, how far they could go on a tank of gas, and braking speed, among other lessons. “And, so, you were in the truck, and then what?… your mom made you do math lessons, while driving a truck?…” It was as if the interviewer had never imagined that a truck driver could truly impart a good education–enough to get into…Harvard. (She’s on her way to Harvard Law, btw.)

So, in essence, it becomes a matter of small circles circulating amongst themselves.  It reminds me of the New Yorker‘s  Pauline Kael’s quote about Nixon’s election: I don’t know how he won. None of my friends voted for him.

3) The 1970s are a long time ago: I was having a late (and long) lunch with two friends last Sunday and the conversation turned to the working class (because I forced them). We had a very engaging chat–but I was up against a pro: he spent his young adulthood in East Berlin before the wall came down. Nothing like having to drive a small plastic Trabbie all your life to make you clamor for free markets. Yes, he knows a thing or two about the proletariat (and is now an ardent free-market capitalist with a capital F. )

I tried to hold my own, lamenting the days when a majority of workers without a college degree could earn a decent living and make it to the middle class–largely because the unions saw to it that they were paid well for a hard day’s work. His response? Boo-hoo, you want to live in the past and bring manufacturing back to US shores?  You want to go back to paying $1200 for a television?

The idea that workers should not always have to be on the defensive, fearful that they will be downsized at the drop of a hat, or that there was once a time when their happiness and security on the job was a prime concern of employers was quickly dismissed as a tired, utopian (!) notion that doesn’t belong in a world competing globally for jobs.

How could that be, I thought? Then I realized: he was born in 1970–about a decade past the point of the American blue-collar hey-day. His generation did not grow up with the security and the sense of stability that work offered. It was in the 1970s that everything started to spiral. Oil shocks, inflation, poor Jimmy Carter, Detroit’s demise. Then the 1980s and Reaganomics. Remember the air traffic controllers?

With competition knocking on our doors from overseas, it was only a matter of time before the workers had to accept wage concessions. No longer did the corporate gods have to pay attention to their workers or risk disruption. Now they just had to bow down to their share holders–and that meant cost-cutting and layoffs, and a race to the bottom on pay and benefits. It’s no coincidence that today’s headline read “stock market soars on good earnings reports.” Yes, corporate profits are up, and shareholders can rejoice. Yet unemployment is stuck at about 10%. Go figure.

This was the climate that the current generation came of age in. They saw their parents laid off willy-nilly. They saw job security disappear into thin air. They took it for granted that they would have to fund their own retirement, and most likely go without health insurance because, as they were told over and over, corporations can’t afford to pay these benefits anymore. They also got used to convenience and cheap prices in WalMart sized packages and the message that to consume was All-American. Bamboozled we all were.   To that was added the exaltation of everything entrepreneurial, especially high-tech entrepreneurs. The mythic two guys in a garage parlaying an idea into a million-dollar IPO offering was the hoop dream of a generation. A new rebel was born and he wore cargo shorts and flip flops.

The upshot is that the younger generation today has no historical memory of a time that wasn’t an employer’s market. They have no memory of a time when job security was a given and employers offered the training on the job, and real wages kept families afloat.

So it’s not surprising, I guess, that the working class gets overlooked. Ralph Ellison wrote The Invisible Man back in 1952, as a lament on the invisibility of life as a black man in the United States.  We might add to the shelf, The Invisible Class. I for one think a lot of people would read that book– at least 70% of the country is the target market after all.

Alone at 2 a.m. with my Calvinist brain

One of the pleasures of summer is breakfast out. Rex, who as a teacher is off for the summer, and I took ourselves out to The West Egg this morning for our morning affairs. There’s something lovely about sitting outdoors, sipping a cappuchino surrounded by flowers as the delivery trucks pull up curbside, as workers in their Friday casual stride by, and as the elephant-like buses labor past, filled with the morning’s commute. Yes, it’s good to be self-employed. I like the freshness of morning, the sense of a day of promise ahead. The sidewalks are washed down of their day-before grit, the papers are delivered to the sidewalk stands with another’s day’s news, white shirts are still crisp. And the worried dreams of the night before are erased like a lift of the plastic sheet on a Magic Pad (you know the one–usually sold right next to Wooly-Willy).

I was particularly glad to be up and out in the light of day. I had a dreadful night. I had just dozed off into that lovely deep sleep after a couple hours’ fitful tossing when I catapulted out of bed at what I thought was my two cats tearing each other apart. But no, it was just a Honda motorcycle streaking down Lake Shore Drive, its whiny motor screeching like a tomcat. My friend Chuck once described the difference in engine noise between a Honda bike and a Harley as zucchini-zucchini-zucchini vs potato-potato-potato. Say it out loud and you’ll know exactly what he means.

The hopped-up zucchini jolted me right awake, and awake I would stay for the next three hours, alone with–held captive by, is more like it–my Calvinist 2 a.m. brain. It ran me through the paces of my apparently despicable life–you know the ones: Why did you say that? You suck at tennis. You’re not working hard enough and will lose all your clients. Client X thinks you’re slipping and is on the verge of firing you. You’re spending too much money–take those shoes back.

It runs me through the gauntlet before settling on the more mundane–but now decidedly quite alarming–worries of the day. First up was the air conditioner. Why hadn’t it kicked on? Its silence tormented me. We have a love-hate relationship with our AC. It’s a water-cooled beast of a thing sitting in our closet since probably the 1970s. The size of a small car, it cools our condo by recirculating the water, cooling it down, and spitting it out as freon-chilled air. All fine, in concept. But she’s a moody gal. And expensive to fix. Replacing it costs upwards of $15,000. Yes, you read that right.   Turns out, in their brilliance, the original occupants of my building, back in 1951, told Mies van der Rohe that central air was just one cost too many ($500 per head back in the day), so he built these buildings without central air. The only option besides less-than-Miesian window units, were these hulks that we now have.

Old, cranky, and overworked, our gal goes on strike now and then, usually about 30 minutes before ten people are due for dinner. And since the next day about ten people were due for dinner, I was convinced that she was pounding in the picket signs right about then. I lay there running through my rolodex of AC people–many of whom now refuse to pick up the phone when they see it’s me. Who could I charm to come out and fix it on this 90+ degree day in the city? Why does this always happen to ME???  It couldn’t come at a worse time. I have so much work to do tomorrow. I don’t have time to hassle with AC repairmen. There’s not even a lake breeze to cool things down if we have to open the windows. I should just get up and call off the dinner right now.

I got up instead and read chapter 2 of Hitch. Should have known better. Christopher Hitchens is too good a writer to put me to sleep. Of course, while half reading, I’m now thinking about the disaster my book will no doubt be. Yes, “bad German brain,” as my friend Bun calls it, was still prowling, even awake. I gave up Hitch and went back to bed to toss and turn. Just then the AC kicked in. Sweet relief–a small little victory that let the tension out of my neck like air from a balloon.I was soon drifting…. Not So Fast, says my brain. I’m not done yet.

I’ve always been a worrier. My childhood nickname, in fact, was worry-wart. Yep, we were pretty darn creative in Iowa. I can conjure up a good worry out of thin air if need be. And as the clock flipped over to 3:42, the worry command center–aka bad German brain–was on high alert. As a kid, my worries tended to cycle with the seasons. Summer was tornado worry. I grew up in tornado alley, so these fears were not exactly unfounded. Riding along with my mom and a neighbor to Austin (home of the Spam museum) for an afternoon outing on a rainy day, I would scan the sky for potential twisters, planning our emergency stop should (when) that suspiciously swirling cloud would spawn a funnel. I was always on the lookout for a ditch with good long grass as I imagined we’d have to hang on to the grass for dear life after we’d abandoned our car or get sucked up into the void.

Part of this fear was simple conditioning. We were on high alert seemingly every other week in the summer. Every time the KIMT CBS affiliate would break into the Lucille Ball show or Mannix with a tornado warning, I’d race to the basement, corralling the dog and pleading with my family members to get a move-on. Adding to my dread, I could never remember if we were supposed to huddle in the northeast corner or the southeast. My Dad–an old German to the bone who didn’t know the meaning of riled–would stay put in his brown pleather recliner, his languor in the face of certain doom sending me into a tizzy. The tornado will kill him for sure. I must get him to the basement.

I’d cower down there on my own until the all-clear siren would sound. Even the dog got bored and had gone back upstairs.  To make matters worse, when a tornado skirted close enough that it actually moved Dad from the recliner, would we head to the basement, as directed? Noooo. We’d pile into our Oldsmobile 88 and head in the opposite direction of the storm, the dust of the gravel road whipping up behind us. The wind would be turning the leaves on the trees silver, and the air was jaundice yellow, and we’d be hurtling to the car to out-run the beast. And you wonder why I worry?

Ironically, the day a tornado did skirt our town, I was oblivious, out playing with my friend Trudy, who was visiting for the summer.  The sky had gone green, hail was peppering us on the playground, and then suddenly, it all went silent. I, of all people, should have seen the signs. Suddenly, Trudy’s mom was yelling from the porch to get a move-on and I high-tailed it home on my Stingray bike, pedaling with adrenaline-fueled abandon. Some residents of our town–the foolhardy ones, I’d offer–were standing in the ball field on the south side of town right before the cornfields start, watching the twister wend its mad way through the fields beyond. Smug were they in their safety, standing as they were on the north side of the river as the tornado bore down on farms on its south side–and we all know tornadoes never jump water. In a blink, the tornado turned from mud to white, sucking up the river’s water in a big gulp. Those smarty-pants townspeople were now racing to their own basements, where I was long ago safely pocketed. Who’s laughing now, I thought. Even my dad came down from his high perch atop the grain elevator at that one.

Luckily for me, I moved to a city where tornadoes are rare. But I can come up with other worries. Just ask my husband. And so on it went, me a prisoner of this evil-twin brain of mine until I resorted to counting cars passing on Lake Shore Drive-the urban version of counting sheep I always like to think. I usually get to 14 and lose track, start over, and before you know it…it’s time for breakfast.

Chickens…and a reverie on farming back in the day

When I was about 10, I took part in a day-long slaughter of chickens. My neighbors, the Coronados, were butchering dozens of chickens on a little farm at the edge of town, and I wanted to go along. As a “townie” I always felt a little inferior to my heartier country friends, and I guess I thought this act would give me some street cred.

It was all pretty barbaric–the makeshift guillotine block with the two nails protruding where you laid the chicken’s head right before it was cut off. The fear in the air. The blood. The flapping, headless birds. The smell of scalding feathers and skin. The piles and piles of white feathers blowing in the thick, humid air and sticking to your legs, hands, and face. I have never looked at a neatly packed chicken breast the same way again.

The day came back to me on Saturday as I was strolling through the huge farmer’s market and hit on a stand that sold free-range chickens –for a sum so outrageous I’m embarrassed to even mention it, although hopefully my 12 dinner guests tonight will be able to taste the different. Yes, I’m cooking dinner for 12 tonight and I haven’t even started prepping yet. eek. But I digress.

Two young boys, probably 10 and 12, were manning the booth at the market, pulling packed chicken legs and breasts out of the freezer for those of us clamoring for some flavor in our meat–and willing to pay for it. They no doubt had witnessed a few guillotine in their lives already.

Farming has been on my mind lately, after reading Michael Pollan and his foodie books. The nostalgia of better food and simpler lives is a strong pull on all of us, but especially, I’ll venture, for those who have never come near a farm in their lives. It’s a life very few of us are cut out for–at least if you have to butcher your own chickens. Believe me. But it is a life I think many of us would like to see re-emerge. It sure beats factory farms.

When I was home in Iowa for a week, I decided to interview my dad about life on the farm in the 1920s, back when they still farmed by horse. Let me just say–that was one unending workday. Up at 5:00 to milk 24 cows, mostly by hand, a stop for a big breakfast, then hitch up the horses and hit the fields for the rest of the morning. A break for lunch, a short nap, and then back at it. By 6:00 unhitch and feed, slop the 100 hogs, milk those damn cows again, and bed everyone down for the night by 7:00, including the farmers themselves. Summer was not a time for waterslides and t-ball by any stretch of the imagination.

But back to chickens. My grandmother raised chickens, ducks, and geese for the eggs, and to sell at Thanksgiving.  Chickens, apparently, are the domain of women. While dad, at age 10, and his brothers and father were pulling a ten-foot disc (at age 10!) from morning till evening in fields of corn, oats, timothy grass, hay and alfalfa in an unending cycle, his mother was gardening and raising fowl, not to mention feeding everyone three big meals a day, and all that other housework.

For some reason, I’m drawn to chickens. They stink to high heaven, reeking of ammonia that sucks your breath away when you enter the coop, but they’re such drama queens, ya gotta like them. They flutter and fuss at the slightest movement, skittering in a group like a school of fish, and they always seem to be on the verge of chicken hysteria that, to me, makes them more human than most birds. (I was a massive worry-wart as a kid, so maybe I can relate). They also get “broody,” a perfect word: part mothering, part mood-bomb. Poor broody hens, the original surrogate mothers, they are pining to sit on eggs, even if they don’t have an egg of their own. “Mother would take duck and geese eggs for the hen to hatch—and they’d mother them just like their own.”

What’s not to like? Plus, their cluck is kinda soothing.

Dad liked them too. “They were always scratching and clucking—it was nice to have them around. And they had the run of the farm—except for the garden.”

Mother–as he calls her–would buy 500 chicks each season, half hens, half rooster, and fence them off in small coops for awhile until they got the feel of things. She’d throw in a guinea hen for hawk protection, and pretty soon the farm was theirs for the idyllic days of summer. The ducks and geese mingled in with the chickens. Apparently ducks can run like a deer if you chase them. Who knew?

When fall came around, the hens would go to the maternity ward of farms, the brooder house. The cozy coop was heated by an oil burner, and all the hens would huddle together at night in the warmth, sitting on their nests and gossiping, I’m sure, or fretting about the missing hens who’d been shipped off to VandeCamps. In the winters, they had take-out food delivered– cornmeal, which according to Dad, kept them warmer than their summer fare of oats.

“Every Saturday, mother would take the eggs into town and grocery stores would buy the eggs and the egg money would buy the groceries.” Voila.

“Then in the fall, when the roosters were about 4lbs, we ate them.” Just like that. (FYI–today you’re lucky if a chicken is 3 lbs.)  Grandma would keep some of the hens for the new laying flock, changing flocks every year. The old girls, as was rumored, went to VandeCamp for chicken noodle soup.

So when I’m marinating my chicken in ancho chili and limes for dinner tonight, I’ll think of those old girls on the farm. I’ll also think of that day spent butchering–a much less glamorous aspect of the life cycle. Even then it’s certainly better than thinking of those brutish and short lives of chickens in the factories we have today. Maybe paying the outrageous sum is worth it if we can go back to some semblance of sanity on the farm.

The baby “bucket list” (and my abysmal oxytocin levels)

There’s been some buzz in the air lately about babies and motherhood–ok, when isn’t there? But recent statistics find that about one in five women age 40-44  are childless (er, child-free). That’s twice as high as 30 years ago.  And that got the pundits (and the worry warts) buzzing.

And yes, you wouldn’t know it dodging the double-wide Bugaboo strollers in Park Slope in Brooklyn or Lincoln Park in Chicago, but only one-third of US households have children under age 18. Don’t panic–because I know you closet demographers were about to– we still have enough children to support us all in retirement. The “replacement rate” (a buzz-kill concept if I’ve ever seen one) is 2.1 babies per fertile woman, and we’re holding tight to that goal. Clearly, some women are overachievers

I myself long ago joined the legions of underachievers extraordinaire. I have no children.  I’ll go on record here saying that, while I like kids, I don’t like them that much. Sacrilege, I know. And believe me, I’ve felt the pressure. And suffered the questions. As is the standard “what do you do?” that men get, the go-to question for women at cocktail parties is, “do you have kids?” When I say no, the immediate assumption is, awww, you poor thing. You can’t have children. But then–putting my Iowa-nice aside–I tell them that no, it just didn’t float my boat at the time. (that’s about as non-nice as an Iowan can get.) That’s when it gets uncomfortable. Thank god for cocktails at that point, because believe me, the inquirer needs an “out.” Slurp.

It has often occurred to me that perhaps I’m not normal in this regard. That I can’t really gin up any kind of exuberance for babies is odd, I know. But then I read Kay Hymowitz over at City Journal, who wrote a fascinating romp through evolutionary biology and motherhood (she’s scary-smart if you ask me). She basically says it’s hard to argue with our history–women in nature are the nurturers. Have been, still are (to a point). But at the same time, we have a big brain that responds to new worlds and new opportunities, and thus women are struggling to juggle the evolutionary instinct with today’s expanded horizons. (And you thought juggling work and child care was hard). But amid this intriguing discussion, this popped out at me:

“Evolution selected women…who wanted to hold and nurse their infants. Since women with more oxytocin receptors [the nurturing hormone] were most successful at reproducing, they tended to pass down the genes that ensured the same hormonal sensitivity in their offspring. …

Aha! Eureka! As some of you dear readers know by now, my mother was not exactly a cuddle-bug. Love her, but really, not the hugging sort of gal. I actually do not remember a warm embrace from the woman.

Now mind you, it doesn’t really bother me. But it might just explain this enervated drive to become a nurturer. I think my mother was low on oxytocin. And she passed it along to me!

Besides the slightly disturbing realization that I fall into the “weak link” category on the evolutionary scale, this news is very helpful. I’ve stood countless times amid women oohing and ahhing over babies, crinkling their noses and doing that baby-talk thing. And all I can do is stand there awkwardly.  Now I know why! Oxytocin.

While my abysmal nurturing drive could be behind my decision not to have kids, other young people today have other reasons. Many are waiting until they accomplish things, get set in life, and do all that fun stuff you’re supposed to do as 20-somethings. They are, in essence, creating a bucket list for babies. You know what I’m talking about–that rather treacley movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman where they create the bucket list of things they want to do before they die. Same concept.

Here’s some of them that various 20-somethings posted on various sites (and I’m being highly selective here):

  • Take dance lessons with hubby
  • Travel to Germany
  • Stay in bed and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy
  • Swim with dolphins
  • Take the GRE
  • Get my dental work done
  • Enjoy oxygen in an oxygen bar in Japan

Ya gotta love that list. Many others were more “responsible” with things like save money, get established, get married(!), …  But the point is, there’s a sense of “do it while you can” before we get tied down. I will hazard a guess here, but I don’t think it was always like that. Many a woman back in the day more or less had kids because it was time, and that’s what they were supposed to do. Not that much thought went into it, I’d venture.

Other young people are postponing children until they feel “adult.” Over at Special Snowflakes, she asks, “When will I feel adult enough to have kids? Ever? …In general, having children is not considered as important a part of adult life. It is no longer one of those critical milestones that is viewed as announcing, I’m an adult.” Her fans replied with their own take on this baby thing.

Emily said: I’m waiting until I feel like I’m an adult, which I don’t yet. I mean, I have a mortgage, a husband, a 401k and a career, but I won’t feel ready for a baby until I feel like I have totally lived my young adulthood to the fullest. Mostly, I want to travel more and feel established and successful in my career before I procreate.

Feeling adult. There was definitely a time, not that long ago, when we knew what the markers were of adulthood. And most of those markers were “things,” not feelings. Things like owning a home, having a degree in hand, paying bills, landing a good job. Those things still matter, but they’re not the sine qua non of “adulthood.” Today, it’s more a feeling– that you’ve put the “fun” behind you and are ready for the slog perhaps? I don’t know for sure, but it’s an interesting question.

When did you feel adult and what was it that made you feel adult?

I’m back

As I may have mentioned, I spent the last week in St. Ansgar, Iowa (pop. 1000) tending to my mother. She managed to slip a disc in her back attempting to lift a cement block. Did I mention she is 89? And only 130 lbs? It was an interesting week (understatement of the year). First of all, my mother turns out to be quite bossy. Who knew? And she has this nearly obsessive love of mayonaise. More on that later. Second of all, THEY HAD NO INTERNET CONNECTION.  By day 3, I had no shame. I was hitting up every distant contact I knew to see if I could come over and tap into their motherlode.

One day I pedaled my mother’s bike, with its rusted wire basket all atilt and its bad list to the left, to the local library. I have a new understanding for how a crab must experience the world. I was actually afraid to take my hands off the handlebars for the obligatory wave to anyone in a car for fear of careening into the ditch. I’m sure they think I’m stuck up.

The library has been there forever, and it still had the smell of musty books that I recall as a child. I loved the library back then for its treasure trove of Flicka, Ricka, and Dicka picture books, or Henry and Ribsy, or Harriet the Spy. They also had a stack of Boy’s Life, which I adored. I mean, who doesn’t like a good story of a near-mauling by a bear or the art of the slip knot. That information is handy.

I was awash in nostalgia as I walked up the steps, until the librarian barked at me that they didn’t open until 2pm –even though the doors were open. (I don’t recall them being so cranky before.) Eventually, I got in and tapped into the internet connection, which was so painfully slow that I had to abandon all hope. I was heartened to see, though, that they still stamp the due date on a card in a sleeve on the inside cover with the same miniature ink stamp.

Someone finally tipped me off to the wireless connection at the Howdy-Do cafe across from the REC. And they even had a skim latte on hand. It was awful, but I was not complaining. Anything beats Folgers. It was there I would sneak when my mom would doze off, safe in her chair for at least an hour, to download the emails and attachments and try to reply to a few in between the people stopping by for a chat. Staring intently into a computer screen in a small-town cafe does not ward off people as easily as it does in the city or on an airplane.

“How’s your mother?” they’d ask,  miraculously already knowing the entire history of her adventure.

So alas, the press of email, chit-chat, and other work was just too much for my 10-minute reprieves. Thus, the blog took a hiatus.

As with the lack of internet, I had to marvel at a few other conditions of rural life. For one, the grocery store. There is nary a head of romaine lettuce to be found. The small “produce” section (a 4×4 bid actually) offers iceberg lettuce, carrots, and celery, onions (white only), potatoes, and some rutabegas. On Wednesday, they had some apples. The other three aisles do pretty well with the basics, but don’t ask for balsamic vinegar. Parmesan cheese is in a shaker only. The deli counter has all the meat you could want, so long as its steak and pork chops. Or pea salad. It takes a very creative and skillful cook to come up with three squares a day on that selection.

Perhaps it also helps explain my mother’s fixation on mayonaise. And sugar. (And believe me, I’m sure she’s tried to put the two together.)

Her favorite phrase of the week would turn out to be, “you know what would go good on this… mayonaise.” I’d made a lovely barley, cucumber, celery, carrot salad dressed in simple but tasty oil/vinegar.  “You know what would be good on this….?” I bit my tongue and plopped a jiggly glob of mayo on it and mixed. I made another salad of iceberg and celery and carrots with a honey/mustard dressing. “You know what would be good on this…”  I made some sausage and potato hash. “You know what would be good on this?  …And add some salt please.”  The woman has taken herself off her blood pressure meds because they supposedly make her sick to her stomach and yet she’s adding salt to the mayo???? Oy vey.(believe me, it’s not the pills that are making her sick.)

My dad mentioned that his blood sugar was high on his last doctor’s visit, but he and mom later figured that it was because they’d been eating rhubarb-sauce (ala applesause) with sugar between two pieces of white bread for dinner every night for more than a week. Say what? Even her oatmeal is adulterated. She sent it back for more butter and sugar. Butter? On oatmeal?

You know, sometimes I think it’s just better that we have no idea what our elderly parents are up to half the time.

The week passed uneventfully enough. Between getting a glass of milk here or a piece of pie there, and trips to and fro between the bedroom and the couch, our twice-daily fight about her meds, and Dad’s habit of unloading the dishwasher at 3:30 a.m., and the television BLARING news of the oil spill (but no, she doesn’t need a hearing aid), we all survived. Barely.

So, with a fresh jar of mayo in the fridge, I departed little St.A on Friday night, as my brother came in to take over for the next week. I returned to the land of strong internet connections, espresso machines, romaine lettuce, and NO MAYO. The little pleasures in life are what matter.

I’ve been marked down…

I write today at ground zero of capitalism’s meltdown–Wall Street. I’m here in New York for a couple of reasons, one of which was to take my editor out for lunch. I love lunch.  I took a stroll this morning around 9am amid the canyons and cobblestone streets down here at this southern tip of Manhattan. It has that old world Euro feel of narrow, winding streets hemmed in by brick and mortar with awnings advertising shoe repair, delis, and espresso. I like it. It’s not the cigarette-scarred cement and cheap purse vendors of Midtown, or the prim and preppy Upper East Side. It’s the old world holding its own against progress.

New Yorkers are a scrappy bunch. Just watch them line up at the cross-walk. All hopped up on caffeine and pressure, they jostle for their spot at the front of the pack– a pack that is now halfway into the street, with cabs honking and buses trundling by. “Wait” for a New Yorker is a four-letter word. The other side beckons. This side is so yesterday. As soon as there’s the tiniest semblance of a gap in the traffic, they bolt, double-espresso teetering atop a plastic cup of yogurt, their blackberry’s twerping in the other. Push your way through or risk getting lost in the masses. It’s a city that demands self-promotion in the literal sense of that word. Or maybe self-propulsion.

Self-promotion is not something that comes naturally to me. Tooting my own horn is frowned upon where I come from. Here, though, if you don’t plant your flag, you might as well not exist.

I had a moment of inconsequence as I arranged to messenger the galleys of the book over to Random House. Three years of work was being bundled up– the last changes made, the writing finally over. I was thrilling a little to the moment, to the words “can you messenger this over to Random House.” Yep, I was an author, if anyone cared to ask. (No one did.) But then, the desk clerk said to the messenger service:

“No, it’s not big. It’s a pile of, you know, copy paper, about two inches thick.”

Wow, in one sentence, 3 years of hard work was effectively reduced to “a pile of copy paper.” Pffft. Ego checked.

Now it’s back to Chicago to start book #2 while waiting for the horn-tooting, publicity push to begin. But first, I must travel to Iowa for a week. Our favorite mother managed to throw out a disc in her back “just standing there.” Actually, she was trying to lift a cement block in her garden. This little tidbit was only divulged under the haze of pain killers.

She is under doctor’s orders (problem #1) to rest (problem #2), stay in bed (#3), and take medication (#4,5, and 6).  My sister was there this week and I’m going next. I actually think they’re keeping her in the hospital the entire time (lord help them), so I’ll be spending time with Dad. One thing for sure. I won’t have to jostle for space on the cross-walks in St.A. (are there even cross-walks?) and everyone still knows who I am.